


How Sweet the Taste of Certainty (Releasing Hope to Carry Me)

by mythomagicallydelicious



Series: Who is In Control? [8]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 2 (Critical Role), Control, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, M/M, Minor Captain Avantika/Fjord (Critical Role), Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Temptation, avantika (mentioned), fjord doesn't let himself think a lot of times, it's about...the hands, next time cad i promise, rated t for the situation of that episode, referencing old conversations, sleep well with your bad decisions, the comfort i promised is here!, wow i need to find a way to put a garden metaphor in here huh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:33:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythomagicallydelicious/pseuds/mythomagicallydelicious
Summary: Fjord has had something to get off his chest for a long time, and the guilt has been building up inside of him until he decides he needs to tell Caduceus before it consumes him (and destroys their chance at...something he won't let himself think about yet, either)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Fjord, Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Series: Who is In Control? [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1735969
Comments: 3
Kudos: 67





	How Sweet the Taste of Certainty (Releasing Hope to Carry Me)

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from the song TrusT by half alive
> 
> here's the comfort I promised from the hurt/comfort tag last part!
> 
> also this again happens somewhere during canon, post sea-faring days, before episode 99. Put it wherever you want, but Fjord definitely has his british accent by this point soooo... that narrows it down right? haha enjoy!

“Just to let you know, I didn’t sleep well,” Fjord says. By the expression on Caduceus’ face, the claim comes out of thin air. But Fjord has been thinking about this conversation for weeks. “Usually I might, but back then I didn’t. When we were on the ship. On the _Squalleater_.” Fjord swallows thickly and looks up to meet Caduceus’ eyes, biting his lip.

“Every day I was stressed and trying to hide it. I was worried I’d led us out to the water and to our deaths at the hands of Avantika and her crew. I made so many choices that affected so many more people than I thought it would.” Fjord scuffed at the ground with one foot as he chewed over his next words.

“Fjord, where did all this come from?” Caduceus asks, eyebrows drawn together and lips sticking out in a confused pout.

“Besides figuring out my own shit and issues, I was also torn by wanting to protect you all. To find some sort of direction and be able to make sure we all made it out, afterward. Caleb took me aside one day at sea and intimated that I should be willing to do _whatever it takes_ to keep our captain happy, to keep my cards close to the vest and to keep her closer than a vest, so to speak.” Fjord takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he lets a memory wash over him that he tries to keep at bay most other times.

The few hours he spent with Avantika, in her bed, being overwhelmed by her force of nature. The shame it left him feeling as he faked his interest and lied to his friends about it.

“I knew it was a bad decision. But I kept making it. I thought it would protect you all, protect us somewhat. But I didn’t sleep well with that bad decision. You told me that, one night, you know? And the way I’d been living my life before I drowned and given a sword from a fuck-off old nightmare sea god, it wouldn’t have bothered me half as much. For most of my life, control was something to be held tightly and wielded when it holds your advantage to do so. My life was a series of transactions and sometimes I came out in the red, but for the most part I was the loser of those transactions.”

Fjord paces away for a moment, running a hand through his hair as he blows out a breath. He turns back to Caduceus and comes closer than before, looking up into Caduceus’ eyes, his own wide and pleading.

“I don’t want you to think the worst of me, Caduceus. I hold you in great esteem, and your opinion of me means a lot. What you said in passing so long ago has been on my mind during recent events, and I wanted to clear the air. I didn’t like or enjoy being in Avantika’s company. And I didn’t hardly sleep after I left her, either. So. Just so you know.”

Caduceus mulls over Fjord’s words, nodding along as Fjord explains further. The memory of their brief conversation seems to finally click in Caduceus’ head and Fjord sees the spark of understanding jump in his eyes.

“Oh, Fjord,” Caduceus starts, voice curling lower and lower as a bit of upset appears in his friend’s body language. “It was a bit judgy of me to say that, back then. We hardly knew each other at all, and I had no clearer idea of what to expect from the ocean and that journey than anyone else did. I’m sorry it has caused you so many sleepless nights. I appreciate you telling me this has concerned you.”

Fjord shrugged his shoulders. Now that he had confessed the major part of what had been on his mind, he almost wished the conversation could slide straight past them, and into any other topic. But he wasn’t done yet. There was more to explain if he ever wanted to look at Caduceus without feeling tendrils of guilt creeping over him.

“I almost lost myself out there, Caduceus. I was _so close_ to giving in to the draw and promise of power. Of taking control of my own life, for once, instead of things happening to me and me reacting. Even blindly following Uk’otoa and accepting his strange gifts, I felt like I had some modicum of control. It was intoxicating.” Fjord took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see the judgement on his friend’s face that was surely there. “Even after knowing it would be wrong, I was still tempted. That snake god scared the shit out of me, Duceus, but I still wanted to know what that unlocked power could bring me.”

Fjord waited for Caduceus to condemn him for his desires. He chews his lip as he flashes a look up but can’t stand to look him in the face for long. He settles his gaze at just past Caduceus’ shoulder instead. Even now he was too weak to face his judgement properly.

“But you didn’t,” Caduceus says quietly.

Fjord determinedly doesn’t look up, still waiting for the venom he knew he would deserve from Caduceus.

“Fjord, look at me,” Caduceus says, still in that low, unbothered timbre of his every day drawl. Fjord shakes his head in a slight _no_ , keeping his face turned down and to the side. There’s a sigh from slightly above him, with just enough force to tousle the hair he was letting grow too long. Slowly, from his peripheral vision, Fjord sees two hands lift from Caduceus’ sides, fingers slightly bent as they reach to cup Fjord’s face gently. Caduceus tips his head up until Fjord has no choice but to look at him. But even in the light touch, Fjord can tell he can break backward, away from the contact if he decides. Caduceus isn’t even gripping him, guiding rather than controlling.

“I am not a perfect person, Fjord. I tend to be very judgmental, and sometimes dismissive of people. I hide it well, I’m told, but the truth is it is something I struggle to keep out of view from the rest of you all. None of us are perfect people. All of us have temptations that we struggle with, something that calls us to act in bad nature towards others, to be violent or destructive or reductive.” Caduceus tilts his own face down so that their faces are mere inches apart. The thought that Caduceus must be bending his knees rather low to achieve this effect flits through Fjord’s head and he tries to clear it as they continue their serious conversation.

“From what you’re admitting, Fjord, you sound like you want me to bend to my lower nature and judge you for something I struggle with as well. You say you were tempted and seduced by the idea of being in control. Over the water, over people, over your life. In small doses, that’s not a bad desire, Fjord. It’s okay to want to feel in charge of your own path in life.”

Caduceus is lightly tapping at Fjord’s chin with his thumbs as he speaks, and Fjord can’t help but wonder if the other realizes he’s fidgeting at all. Fjord messes with the hem of his own shirt, bunching the fabric into wrinkles before smoothing it out again as he listens.

“What matters most to me, right now, is that you didn’t give in to the base side of you calling for destruction. You _didn’t_ listen to a god whispering promises and threats in your ear. You stood your ground and stood up for yourself, even if it meant losing what you were looking to find out there.”

Fjord nodded slightly, eyes flitting down to Caduceus’ lips as he spoke before jumping back up to his eyes. Sometimes he hates how jumpy his mind is, how it can be so dedicated to the conversation, so guilt-ridden, and yet so willing to think about closing the gap between them and forgo talking for a little while…

“Fjord, I’m proud of you. I don’t know where your path is leading you, but it seems like you’re on a good one. It’s okay if it takes time and mistakes to figure out what you really want, or where you want to go. What matters most is how you live your life the next day, after making whatever choices you have before. We all have regrets, but they don’t have to control how we continue on.”

Fjord nods again, releasing his wadded up shirt hem and reaching for Caduceus’ wrists. He locks his thumb and first finger around each wrist and carefully drags the hands down and away from his face. He holds onto them a moment longer before releasing and taking a small step back.

“That’s mighty kind of you, Caduceus. I have to admit, I didn’t expect you to be so forgiving. It doesn’t feel like I’ve earned it.” Fjord says in a small voice.

“Forgiveness isn’t something you earn, Fjord, it’s a gift I choose to give. And in my eyes, there is much less to forgive than you blame yourself for. I hope that one day you’ll be able to give yourself your own gift of forgiveness.”

Fjord nods, swallowing down a thick feeling in his throat. “Thank you. Truly.” Caduceus smiles wide, his whole body seeming to react and grow with it.

“Any time, Fjord. Any time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please drop a kudos or a comment and let me know what you're thinking :D
> 
> -as always, let me know if I missed a tag. Thanks fam <3


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